Our little planes

We fly our little planes, filled with
Dreams, Stories, Feelings,
in the vast blue sky,
Clueless. Helpless. Mindless.

Sometimes, we chance upon thunderstorms, and
Sometimes, we see rainbows.
But we keep moving on.
Where to, though?
To meet another storm?
To see another rainbow?
To find another sky?

They say,
It's the journey, not the destination.
But what's the Journey,
If there's no Destination?

In our little planes, we sit, sometimes alone, sometimes with a co-pilot, sometimes with many co-pilots. Isn't it nice? To have a co-pilot while we wander through the overwhelming emptiness, while we attempt to make it through the seemingly crucial thunderstorms hoping to come out alive, while we see the rainbow and reach the pot of gold.

I'm sitting in my little plane, with all my co-pilots. It's funny how we are so close to each other, and yet I can't hear them. It's almost like they are not there. I wonder if they can hear me...

Suddenly, my plane started jerking back and forth. I grab for the controls, my mind racing and my heart thumping. Nothing's happening. I grab for another one, still Nothing.

I start to scream and shout, and as I flail my arms around for help, I feel the glass around me.

Happy.

So I haven't written for half a year, and honestly, if it wasn't for my friends reminding me, I probably would have just forgot about writing even...

Every year, I have a long list of New Year Resolutions, and sometimes, for reasons I have not yet deciphered, I would write "not exhaustive" at the end of the list, and as the world chants "3, 2, 1!" I would be sitting in my room, staring at my non-exhaustive list and ticking them off one by one. Even those resolutions that I didn't write down on paper, I would tick them off in my mind. And if I don't get all of them ticked, disappointment is just the beginning of a long long time of "why couldn't I do that?". And the cycle goes on.

This year, I sat there again, staring out into the dark night. It's quite unfortunate that in this megacity that we live in, starry nights are so rare, so far away, so unheard of. So I stared into the dark sky, lit up by artificial lights (street lamps and lights from all the households eagerly awaiting the turn of a new year), and thought about my resolutions this year.

I thought about how many people have come up to me and told me that I didn't have "a life", how I shouldn't be so uptight, and how I should relax. And they were right. I really don't have a life. Sad, but true.

And so I tore the blank piece of paper in front of me. I'm not going to have any resolutions this year.

And what I thought was a strike of genius and an initiative to change my life for the better shortly proved to be a desperate attempt of mine to try and convince myself that I do have a life, or at least that I'm gonna have a life this year. As I lay in bed that night, just 1h after I made my New Year Resolution: To have NO Resolutions, I tossed and turned and thought about how having no resolutions was so risky and how it seems so "I-don't-care". And everyday after that day, I thought about my having no resolutions. And I worried.

Clearly, my "No Resolutions Plan" has failed, but now, as the first month of my supposedly groundbreaking new year comes to a close, I have made up my mind. I will have New Year Resolutions this year. But just one will do.

This year, I'll be
Happy.

Recharged, Refreshed, Revilatised. ... Hopefully...

Right, the June holidays are over. I mean Really??? So school starts tomorrow... Hmm let's see how I feel about this...

I don't exactly know how i feel about this to be honest...

Elections, Council, School, CCA, Piano, and other stuff.. But I guess I really miss my teachers and friends. And I'm definitely glad to be able to see them soon. :) And I guess with such people, everything will be ok!!! (Hmmm let's test this hypothesis out for a day or two... )

To be honest, I actually don't know why I put this picture here... Just felt like it... :)

Egg-cited!!!

Ms Chua always says to count my blessings, and though today was not the best day of my life, I'll listen to Ms Chua and talk about the great stuff!!!

Global Classroom Programme yo!!! So super excited, though it's probably not the best time in the year to be going, since there's so much going on while we won't be here... But still, happy to be going!

I guess you'll never know what it'll turn out until it turns out... So we shall wait and see what miracles happen. :)

EGG-CITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (although the planning process is totally -_-)

Believing

You know believing is not easy, not easy at all... People tell you that you can do it, that you shouldn't be afraid of falling, or of trying, or of taking that leap of faith. But you know it's really not easy. How do you what you can believe in, or who you can believe in, and how to do so?

And though there are some people who say how they are not afraid of failure, I really not trust them 100%. How can somebody be not afraid of the fact that they are indeed risking everything that they have, and not being afraid of the result that they might just about lose everything that they've put in? I don't know, but if there's someone out there who can do that, I think they're incredibly brave.

But believing, that's really all that we have essentially, in this materialistic world, isn't it? Believing that things will get better, that we can do it, and that life is good.

 

Just writing...

To be honest, I'm just writing this because today when I casually told Shing that I haven't exactly updated in a long long time, she told me to just write about whatever I feel. And that's exactly what I'm gonna do, or at least try to do.

Now that the Mid-Year Examinations are over, half a year is over too. Can you believe it? Cuz I really can't!!! People always say time flies, but really, you never know how true it is until  you go through all the good and the bad, and stop for one moment in time and turn around. And there it is, right behind you, all the happiness and the pain.

And isn't it so scary yet so wonderful when you realise how much you've accomplished? And how much you've grown? KX was right when she said that she felt she was outdoing herself every day. And really, it's so true. I'm sure in the beginning of the year having one quiz a day was already rather frightening. Now we're juggling 4 quizzes a day and practicals and time trials and all sorts of other things in a matter of a few days and you know what? I'm really proud of all of us.

Though of course, I could have done better in all of the above, but really, who cares about how I did? That's not the point. The point is, that I've battled all of that and came out alive. Stronger and better, maybe even... And if there's one thing that I could confidently point out as my highlight of the past half a year, really, it would be that I've learnt to see what's really important, what's the real point of doing things. And I'm completely grateful to those (especially Ms Chua <3) who have took the problem away from my face to let me see so much more of the world. (Thanks KX for the slaps in my face... XD)

And I don't know how the other half of the year will turn out, but you know what? I'm not scared, for once, and actually I'm kinda excited. It won't be easy, definitely (I mean come on, since when was life easy???), but I know we'll all get through it!!! So that's a hopeful beginning, and let's hope that I'll still have a hopeful ending. :)

"You can't be so negative"

Well I guess that's right... Especially since the world is ALREADY negative enough.

Bring in some positive energy!

Well I would love to, actually, but honestly, I can't. Not now at least... And I ACTUALLY know why...

It's a good life :)

It's a good life. Yes it is.

At least I have something to fight for. At least I have people to be angry with. At least I have things to complain about. At least I have stuff that I hate to do.

Come on, it's a good life. And it'll be even better soon. Hang in there!!!

Fresh-cut grass, one cold beer.
Thank the Lord I am here and now, here and now.
Summer dress, favorite park.
Bless your soul we are here and now, here and now.

I'm wide awake,
So what's the point of dreaming when your life is great?
Celebrate the feeling 

Can't complain about much these days
I believe we'll be okay
Wanna scream it out, I believe we'll be okay.

Sun-kissed skin on my lips.
Thank the Lord I am here and now, here and now.
Fireflies after dark.
Bless your soul we are here and now, here and now.

We'll be okay. We'll be okay.
Can't complain about much these days
I believe we'll be okay

For Good

I love Wicked the musical, (I mean who doesn't right... ;p), and more than the musical, I love the songs. So so much... <3 And this was one of them, not only because it was so relatable, but also when I first heard it I kinda teared up, simply cuz it reminded me of all the people in my life who have impacted me in one way or another. Honestly these are the people who make me who I am, and I am who I am, because I knew them...

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me
I'm limited
And just look at you you can do all I couldn't do, Glinda

So now it's up to you
For both of us
Now it's up to you

(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Is it weird?

Is it weird if I say that there are many people in this world whom I hope care for me, but my family is not one of them? 

Is it weird if I say that I love some people, who's not my family, just as much, or maybe even more, than I love my family? (But it's a different kind of love you know...) 

Is it weird if I say that I myself don't know what I want? (Regardless whether it is life, or school, or people, or anything actually...) 

 

Courage VS Bravery

Alright, so I haven't been writing that often, and maybe it's cuz I don't have anything to write about, but in actual fact, it's cuz I have too much to write about and honestly don't know where and how to start..

I think it's appropriate to break the long silence with a post about a conversation I had with KX some time ago. This all started early this year, during the literature mentor ship exhibition. Ms Cheng was at our booth, and we were talking about how the soldiers in the past were so brave to fight in the war and sacrifice their lives, but were not brave enough to admit to the world about their sexual orientation. So then I said something from the top of my mind really, and when Ms Cheng asked me to explain what I mean, I realise that I myself have no clue what I just said...

Basically I said, "Well, the soldiers were brave, but not courageous..." 

Hmmm... Sounds so deep right??? ;p Well I've been thinking of what I meant by this ever since then, at random times really, but KX was the first person I told. She was just sitting there that Friday morning alone, and I just felt the urge to go sit next to her, (not caring whether or not i was intruding actually... sorry about that... ;p) and for a while we were just quiet. We talked about something, I'm not sure what, but then after a moment of tranquility, I just asked her, "What's the difference between courage and bravery?" 

She told me something along the lines of the two of them being somewhat interchangeable, and actually I think so too... To some extent these two are interchangeable, and if you wanna get into the real difference, you probably have to dissect the word and do some long and deep research to figure out.

But then I got home and one night, when "Mr Sleep" does not want to be my friend like usual, I thought of what those two words meant to me.

And I got it.

You see, though bravery and courage mean the same thing essentially, they have different connotations really. You use bravery to describe "oh the soldiers are so brave to put their lives at stake and fight for their country", but you use courage when you say "please dear God, please give me the courage to live". You don't hear people say "please give me the bravery to live", do you?

And so I think, bravery is something more tangible than courage. It's hard to articulate this, and probably you won't understand me, but I think maybe courage is deeper and more noble than bravery... Bravery could mean completing a dangerous action maybe, but courage could exist in the smallest and most minute things, in fact, I think courage is shown more through the most inconspicuous details.

So maybe what I meant when I said that to Ms Cheng was that the soldiers were brave to risk themselves for their country, since they could potentially lose everything by going out to war, but they didn't have the courage, something that is more powerful than bravery, to be true to who they are.

Exasperated...

Right... THAT's the word... 

Have you ever felt that way? I thought it was just me... 

Thank you SO SO much!!!

Today was really really great!

Thank you for your presents,

Thank you for your wishes,

Thank you for being you.

Seriously, no words can express how blessed I feel, because of YOU!!!

A decade and a half... That's how long I've been here...

Hmmmm... I guess it's time to stop surviving and start living...

                                     

Weeks

I guess there's never a "Week 1" or a "Week 5" or a "Week 10", or a "Mid-Year Exam Week" or a "LifeSkills Camp Week" or a "Holiday Week"

Current Affairs Quiz

You know for a long time, I think many of us have questioned our whole "education system". OK maybe not the education system, but at least, our school system.

I mean seriously, who the heck gives a Current Affairs Quiz?

My parents were skeptical about this whole "oh the quiz will motivate students to read the papers" thing. They say that students will only read the papers cuz it's gonna be tested, then after the test, we forget about touching the papers in the morning. Well this is true, and false. I do know friends who read the papers regardless, and sadly I'm not exactly one of them... And most of the news I get are snippets from people's conversations, or from class discussions, or from conversations with an extremely well-read person like Allison (though I don't think we ever talk about news :p).

I really don't get it. First they want us to open up all about our believes, which they claim to understand that it is difficult to do... Then they give a current affairs quiz... The other day I was on Skype with Cassie, who fortunately -or unfortunately- studies in the states, and she was laughing at me -the things that I do actually-. You know, at least she's enjoying her work... She was like "Really?! It's your holidays and not only are you locked in, you're studying for a current affairs quiz, you gotta be kidding me..."

Well Cassie, I wished I was kidding too...

Blessed

Well, so LSC week is now over, and everyone is back, healthy and happy, and even people who dreaded OBS came back with smiley faces and accomplished hearts&minds. And those who didn't go for OBS enjoyed themselves too, whether it's Sibu, or Sec 1 LSC.

Honestly, I'm still quite bitter about this thing, especially since this respiratory tract infection hasn't gone away and it's adversely affecting other parts of me that are already not in the best of shape. And the haze... OMG do I even need to elaborate on the haze.. Those with breathing problems, or respiratory problems like me will know the real pain...

Ok enough of  "OMG-the-world-sucks-and-my-life-sucks". Actually it isn't that bad... I mean at least I had more time to complete my work and catch up with everything, given how many lessons I missed cuz of hospital appointments... And you know, Ms Chua always said to count my blessings, and you know, last night I really tried to count them. Seriously. I took out a pen and a piece of paper, and wrote down everything that I am lucky and fortunate enough to have. Laugh if you want to, but really, it works. (See Ms Chua is just so perfect, everything she says makes perfect sense <3) And for one moment, I felt like the luckiest person in the world, and given how often I feel happy about my life, that moment was seriously "once-in-a-blue-moon", and to be honest, it felt really really good.

You know, thinking about it, I have so much, SO MUCH to smile, laugh, and feel blessed about. Really, I mean just look at the people around me, and maybe life will always have its flaws, and everyone will have their fair share of "why-does-my-life-suck-so-much" moments, but maybe if I could go back to that moment, and literally count my blessings, whether or not it's with a piece of paper, maybe, just maybe, I'll feel this blessed all over again. And sometimes, maybe blessings are not just what we think...

(Haha, for those who know it, I think this is quite ironically funny... ><)

Nat's house :p

So last Friday, I went to Nat's house, and it was awfully nice of her to invite me..

So her mommy came to pick us up from school and cooked us lunch, which is again so sweet, then we talked and talked about our "lives", which is again really nice, cuz to be honest I'm not exactly very close to Nat, I mean like I don't have heart-to-heart talks with her every other day like with Allison; and I don't have frequent lunch dates with Joanna; or silly "Rudolph moments" with Suey... So it was really nice getting to know another classmate better, and spending time with her to "de-stress". :)

And the best part is, Nat's mommy's favourite flower is the LILY!!! Already I like her mom! <3

It was a great day, and her parents were really nice, and yeah we talked about many things, which honestly, I don't think I would have talked about with Nat.

And that was my best "off-day" I've ever had so far...

P.S. Allison, we WILL go out someday soon. I PROMISE. :)

Role Model

Today you asked me what is a role model, and who I think is one. I, knowing that someone like you will never ask such "deep" questions on your own accord, said "It's your homework right..." And of course, you were like "yes duh why else would I go around being a despo kiddo, asking people what a role model is?"

And then I thought about it, and yeah you know, it's dependable. Just like everything else. Then I thought of our philosophy homework, about the "OMG that's Miley Cyrus" issue.

And before I proceed to talk about my views, I just wanna say that this is just my personal opinion, so yeah don't take it personally, and don't get agitated. :p

First of all, I think it's fine for Miley Cyrus to have such a drastic change. Ok yes, it was disturbing, but what if this is who she is? What if THIS is the real her? Maybe Hannah Montana was "her" a couple of years back, or maybe Hannah Montana was never who she is? And what if THIS Miley Cyrus right now, is the REAL Miley Cyrus?

Well if it's that case, not only will I not like Miley Cyrus any less than when she was Hannah Montana, I respect her even more. I mean think about it, it's not easy being a young female artist in the very deadly entertainment industry, and some people say that she should be a role model. Well I don't think so. I think, her position empowers her to influence, and whether the influence is good or bad is another story all together that we shall not plough through. Yes, she impacts people just by the way she dresses, the things she does and the way she carries herself, but I feel that what she does, and how it impacts her audience are two different things all together. She can do the same thing, but the way I see it may be different from the way Person X sees it, and people's mindsets are really really tough to change.

And let's say she really influences a little girl to think that "Oh the only way I'm gonna make it big in the entertainment industry is to dress and behave inappropriately", then I'll say let it be. When this little girl grows up, and does something like what Miley is doing now, and if she too, feels happy and comfortable with it, then I'll be happy for her, cuz maybe this is really who she is! And if she grows up and thinks that she doesn't want to follow Miley' Cyrus's footsteps, then she won't do it, and still, I'm happy for her.

Yes, Miley Cyrus, in her position, has the power to influence people, and send across powerful messages. And the message I'm getting from what she's doing, is that: This is who I am, and I'm happy with it, so I don't care what other people think of me, I'm gonna stay this way and be who I am! And honestly, I think that's so brave, and so beautiful. I grew up in front of only a couple of people, and already, their expectations of me are shaping who I am, and subconsciously, I'm living my life for them. Just imagine Miley Cyrus, growing up in front of millions, yet still being able to tear away the image that the world has created for her -Hannah Montana- and stepping out, proclaiming to the world proudly that THIS is who she is. I don't know about you, but not only am I not critical of her, I'm actually kinda envious of her, that she has the guts to do that.

So going back to role models, I've heard people tell me that Miley Cyrus is not a good role model, but I think otherwise. She's got the guts to stay true to who she is, be courageous and take that leap of faith to be happy, not for anyone else, but for herself. And isn't that what we always tell ourselves? To stay true to who we are, no matter what anyone else says? But how many of us actually are totally true to ourselves? I don't know if this Miley now is TOTALLY true to herself, but at least she's making huge progress to make herself happy. And I think THAT is something we should all look up to, to stick to who we are, despite all speculations that may come our way.

And so I told you, "I think Miley Cyrus is a role model."

The Story of the Weak Side

Maybe sometimes we should learn to show our vulnerability, because only then will we see how much people actually care for us. But then again, if we can't trust the people to not judge us for who we really are, why would we even tell them the Story of our Weak Side?

Do you believe in this?

Painful Experiences

I went for my first ever church service today, with you. And to be honest I was kinda uncertain about how it will all turn out. Will this be "my religion"?

You know first we sang those songs of praise, and though I have never heard of any of those songs, for some reason when you all started singing, I felt as if I had known those songs for forever... Maybe that's the universal language, the language of love that God showers all of us with. And then Aunty Sally gave this lesson. Really, I can't think of a better time than today to come to your church. The lesson was about "My Experiences". More specifically, the Painful Experiences. Ha how more apt can the timing be since I'm facing one now right...

And Aunty Sally said that God chooses you to face a painful experience because He knows that you will be faithful, because He knows that you will uphold His glory, because He knows that you will get through it and become stronger and better. She also said that the Painful Experiences are for us to challenge ourselves to convert the pain into joy by helping people, and then finally into victory when you and the others around you defeat the Pain. And then she shared her story about how she found out she'll never have her own children, and how she realised that God didn't give her 1 child of her own because He was gonna give her so many more children that she can treat as her own, and love as her own. And now, she's happy.

When she mentioned this "loving a child like your own" thing, I can't stop thinking of Ms Chua. Honestly, I'm still super confused with her sudden confession of the whole "Godmother" thing. Don't get me wrong. I'm over the moon and extremely honoured to even be considered her Goddaughter, but I always wonder why Ms Chua never had her own children. You know I really really would like to be the child that Ms Chua never had, not just because I love her so very much, and treat her just like I treat my real mom, but also because I always feel she deserves so much more than she has. Not saying that I can bring her eternal happiness, but if I can make her smile, I really want to make her happy, because she is so so beautiful, so so strong, and so so angelic. All you need to do is to peel her strict and serious outer layers, and be amazed and taken aback by her Heart Of Gold.

Aunty Sally asked, at the end of the lesson, if I could do one thing for God, knowing that I will not fail, what would I do, and I told you, that I will help as many of His children as possible, because I believe that that is what He would want-for His children to help one another.

I guess right now, I'll just go with whatever is happening, and though I don't have confidence in medical science, or in myself, that I will be cured, I have confidence in God, that He will see me through this. And I'll just wait and see where He leads me to.