Tuesday, 10 September 2013

A Warrior's Heart (III)

A heart is a funny thing. It can break, it can beat a little faster. But the most important thing it can do is heal, and if you follow it, it will lead you anywhere you need to go. 

Well I had my share of pain too...

Remember I could never pass the inclined pull-ups? Like NEVER EVER? And so every year, I would take those tests, and when it comes to the inclines pull-ups, I would always go to the very back of the queue. I would see the others do those pull-ups with so much ease, while I went through the painstaking process of self-convincing...

And until our last test in Primary School, I still didn't pass. Well I don't remember ever crying in Primary school,  because I've always felt that school was fun, happy and there's just so much to laugh about! But on that day of the test, after failing the pull-ups station again, I could hold it no more.

And so tears fell, hopes fell, everything fell. Well of course I had my best friend with me, and they were there to comfort me. I think you were doing your shuttle run, trying again and again to reach that gold standard. Then you saw me. And you asked around to know what happened.

Whatever happened next was just so fast. You said you would help me. You said I've always told you to never give up and keep trying. You said I've always been helping you, and now is you turn to help me. Well I didn't know what happened, but you, with my best friend,  brought me to the station again. You guys talked to me, and got me to try again. Well I said I wouldn't pass. Not so easy and not so fast. And you said, you may not pass now, but one day, you'll make it. Just keep trying like I've always told you to.

So then we came to a deal. You said that every week, you and my best friend would help me practice once. And so yup we went according to the plan.

Before long, 3 months passed and like you said, yup I passed the standards. Well in my Primary school there was no "re-tests" so I couldn't officially pass the test that year. But we moved on with our lives and I came to Secondary school and the inclined pull-up station was never a fear, or a challenge, or a dread for me ever again. (Cuz that dread is replaced by the freaking 2.4km run... -_-) But that's another story... And I've got awesome friends here who would help me to train for the run, just like you helped me for the pull-ups. :)

So thank you so much for the help. :)  I think that's all I'm gonna say for now...

A Warrior's Heart (II)

It’s hard to say if warriors are born or they are made by circumstances. Everyone faces hardship in life, but it just seems like some people are actually made stronger by it.

So things changed, people changed, everything changed. And through the years, so many things happened. Teachers, Friends, Exams, Stress, Homework, Co-Curricular Activities, Piano, Leadership Roles, Punishments, Compliments, Rewards... 

And I remember when we were choosing whether or not to continue Higher Chinese. And we talked for a long long time. You said you were scared. Scared of failing again and again, just like every single HCL paper you ever took in your life. You said you weren't meant to do Chinese at all. And what's more painful, is that every time you fail, you fail by 1 mark. You're always so close, so close...  

And I said I don't do well in Science, and I don't like the subject, but I still work hard for it. (cuz it's a compulsory subject -_-... Actually I work even harder for science than any other subject, just because I know that I am weak, and I need and must catch up.) And then you said, we're different. You said I'm smart, you're not. I'm determined, you're not. I'm hard working, you're not. But I know you're lying. And I know that you yourself know that what just came out of your mouth was all false. 

I remember every time before the Higher Chinese paper, you would joke with me, telling me that you would fail again. And that you don't care. But whenever you get back your results, you would cry. I always don't know what to do, and don't know what to say. Cuz I'm good at languages, and if I told you it was ok to fail, you would say that I don't understand, cuz I've never failed. And if I comforted you... I mean, come on... I don't even know how to... So I guess all that I could do was help you do your corrections while you buried your face in a flood of tears. And so every time our HCL papers came back, I would prepare myself to write really quickly, so that I can do your corrections, and mine. (I bet your parents are always wondering why your handwriting changed for the corrections... :P) And our teacher would always look at you, stare at you, and just keep staring. And before long, the whole class would be looking in our direction. Although your face was in your hands, I know that you could feel the stares. Your friends, the other boys, they failed too, and they really don't care. But you do. I know you want to pass, but you don't know how to... 

Well so you asked me if I were you, would I or would I not continue Higher Chinese. I told you I would, and I thought you would say that that's because I don't know how it feels, but you didn't. Instead, you waited for my explanation. And I said, 
 Then you kept quiet, and I don't know what you were thinking then, but in the end, you chose to continue with Higher Chinese. And you joked, saying that if you failed again, I were to blame, but if you passed, even if it's just once, I would get all the credit. Well I just laughed it off. 

Then I remember for our Preliminary Exam, the biggest exam before THE BIGGEST EXAM, you failed again. This time, by half a mark. Now, you were really sad. I mean sad isn't even the right word. I think you were frustrated, livid, crestfallen, depressed, and you felt like a loser... And so you cried again. And while the teacher was praising me for getting first in class, you were shaking next to me, covering your face, crying. I don't know why, but I felt so sorry and so guilty... Sorry that I did well and you didn't, guilty that I was being praised in your face while you "grieved"... 

And so as usual, I did my corrections, and yours, and I think you were really upset cuz for the first time, you went to the toilet. Sitting next to you for all 6 years of my Primary School life, I've never seen you go to the toilet to cry, so I knew that this time, it was all over for you. And so you left, and my hands sprinted on the paper. 

Then all of a sudden I spotted a marking error somehow, and got you 1 mark. So you eventually passed. :) I knew that when you saw the change in marks, you would jump for joy, but problem was, you didn't come back to class for the whole lesson... And so the teacher got a little worried and got another boy to go look for you. So you came back with puffed up eyes, red nose, wet face, basically looking pathetic.. :p 

Then you saw your paper, and what happened afterwards was a whirlwind of  comedies. You saw the paper. You looked at the name. You flipped through the pages. You smiled. You shouted. You jumped. The whole class turned around. People were thinking that you are a weirdo, I bet, crying one moment and laughing the other. The teacher was laughing. The class was laughing. You were laughing. 

So I guess that was your "BIG MOMENT"... I mean you achieved your goal didn't you? :) So for the rest of the day you were so happy that it became extremely annoying. You kept asking me how I found the mistake, what did I say to the teacher, what the teacher did... And you even asked me if I could look at your past year papers, with MY corrections, to see if you deserved some more marks. -_- 

You were happy, REALLY happy, and I guess I was happy for you too... 

Sunday, 8 September 2013

A Warrior's Heart (I)

It’s funny what you notice the first time you see someone. Confidence, a nice smile, a little connection. What you don’t see, what’s impossible to know at first glance, means everything else, at least everything that counts.

It was so long ago... When we were both 7 years old, I suppose... And I remember how, when our form teacher put us together, neither of us talked, or smiled, or even looked at each other. I was a shy girl, especially since I'd just came from what I thought was the best place on earth, where there was no school, no work, and basically all the best things in life. So I was thrown into this whirlwind of this thing called "going to school", and "waking up early", and all sorts of different things here.

You see, I didn't grow up here... Where I grew up, there were 4 seasons, familiar faces and the fluent and slightly "slangish" English. Well ok, I'll just say it then. I grew up in the States with Granny and Grandpa. Then all of a sudden I'm transported to this other place, where the sun is always shining, people look different, and a thousand languages fly across the room every minute. This was strange. And so I was shy, uncomfortable, sad...

Then after a while of awkwardness, you started talking. You introduced yourself, your family, your dreams, your everything, and we talked. Well ok, you're the first "new" person I'd ever talked to here. (Aren't you honoured?" :p) And so I told you about me too... And you were so fascinated. You asked me where America was and I remember I told you, "It's far far away...", cuz I had no idea where US was either... And then you said you would like to go there.  And I can't believe this, but you asked me if I could bring you there and I agreed.

Well that was so long ago. That was when we thought that holding hands with someone of the opposite gender was normal, and when we thought that school was all that we were gonna be doing for the rest of our lives. Those days, they're gone, but their memories are still with me.  I don't know if you remember these things, or if you even care to think about those days. But I do... :) Cuz when I look back, those days are the ones that make me smile, without fail. :)

And so somehow we became "best friends". And I remember how we always did our homework together, played catching during recess together, stayed in school to wait for our parents together... You know, now thinking about it, we were really innocent. Too innocent to be true. Until now I still can't believe that I was once that girl in the white and blue uniform the size of a dwarf, with two pigtails bouncing up and down.

Then the days turned into months and then years, but somehow, amidst all the streaming of classes, and the shifting of sitting arrangements, we were still together. Not only in the same class, but still sitting together. Weird right? I remember in Primary 4, after 3 rounds of streaming, we were the only ones, in the whole level, who have been in the same class since the very beginning. And even then, we were still sitting next to each other. Gosh it's kinda freaky don't you think? And so I thought 4 years was enough. Next year, after the last round of streaming, we won't be in the same class again. Or at least we won't be sitting next to each other again.

But that was only what I thought.

And so we were still in the same class, still sitting next to each other. And all the way until our 6 years in Primary school was over, we were still in that position... But it was different. I know that. And I know that you know it too.

Rain.

Pitter. Patter.

Drip. Drop.

Swish. Swosh.

I hate the rain. But I love it too.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Waiting. For decades.

Ooh... Another sweet story! <3


As I walked home one freezing day, I stumbled on a wallet someone had lost in the street. I picked it up and looked inside to find some identification so I could call the owner. But the wallet contained only three dollars and a crumpled letter that looked as if it had been in there for years.

The envelope was worn and the only thing that was legible on it was the return address. I started to open the letter, hoping to find some clue. Then I saw the dateline–1924. The letter had been written almost 60 years ago.

It was written in a beautiful feminine handwriting on powder blue stationery with a little flower in the left-hand corner. It was a “Dear John” letter that told the recipient, whose name appeared to be Michael, that the writer could not see him anymore because her mother forbade it. Even so, she wrote that she would always love him.

It was signed, Hannah.

It was a beautiful letter, but there was no way except for the name Michael, that the owner could be identified. Maybe if I called information, the operator could find a phone listing for the address on the envelope.

“Operator,” I began, “this is an unusual request. I’m trying to find the owner of a wallet that I found. Is there anyway you can tell me if there is a phone number for an address that was on an envelope in the wallet?”

She suggested I speak with her supervisor, who hesitated for a moment then said, “Well, there is a phone listing at that address, but I can’t give you the number.” She said, as a courtesy, she would call that number, explain my story and would ask them if they wanted her to connect me.

I waited a few minutes and then she was back on the line. “I have a party who will speak with you.”

I asked the woman on the other end of the line if she knew anyone by the name of Hannah. She gasped, “Oh! We bought this house from a family who had a daughter named Hannah. But that was 30 years ago!”

“Would you know where that family could be located now?” I asked.

“I remember that Hannah had to place her mother in a nursing home some years ago,” the woman said. “Maybe if you got in touch with them they might be able to track down the daughter.”

She gave me the name of the nursing home and I called the number. They told me the old lady had passed away some years ago but they did have a phone number for where they thought the daughter might be living.

I thanked them and phoned. The woman who answered explained that Hannah herself was now living in a nursing home.

This whole thing was stupid, I thought to myself. Why was I making such a big deal over finding the owner of a wallet that had only three dollars and a letter that was almost 60 years old?

Nevertheless, I called the nursing home in which Hannah was supposed to be living and the man who answered the phone told me, “Yes, Hannah is staying with us.”

Even though it was already 10 p.m., I asked if I could come by to see her. “Well,” he said hesitatingly, “if you want to take a chance, she might be in the day room watching television.”

I thanked him and drove over to the nursing home. The night nurse and a guard greeted me at the door. We went up to the third floor of the large building. In the day room, the nurse introduced me to Hannah.

She was a sweet, silver-haired oldtimer with a warm smile and a twinkle in her eye. I told her about finding the wallet and showed her the letter. The second she saw the powder blue envelope with that little flower on the left, she took a deep breath and said, “Young man, this letter was the last contact I ever had with Michael.”

She looked away for a moment deep in thought and then said softly, “I loved him very much. But I was only 16 at the time and my mother felt I was too young. Oh, he was so handsome. He looked like Sean Connery, the actor.”

“Yes,” she continued. “Michael Goldstein was a wonderful person. If you should find him, tell him I think of him often. And,” she hesitated for a moment, almost biting her lip, “tell him I still love him. You know,” she said smiling as tears began to well up in her eyes, “I never did marry. I guess no one ever matched up to Michael…”

I thanked Hannah and said goodbye. I took the elevator to the first floor and as I stood by the door, the guard there asked, “Was the old lady able to help you?”

I told him she had given me a lead. “At least I have a last name. But I think I’ll let it go for a while. I spent almost the whole day trying to find the owner of this wallet.”

I had taken out the wallet, which was a simple brown leather case with red lacing on the side. When the guard saw it, he said, “Hey, wait a minute! That’s Mr. Goldstein’s wallet. I’d know it anywhere with that bright red lacing. He’s always losing that wallet. I must have found it in the halls at least three times.”

“Who’s Mr. Goldstein?” I asked as my hand began to shake.

“He’s one of the old timers on the 8th floor. That’s Mike Goldstein’s wallet for sure. He must have lost it on one of his walks.” I thanked the guard and quickly ran back to the nurse’s office. I told her what the guard had said. We went back to the elevator and got on. I prayed that Mr. Goldstein would be up.

On the eighth floor, the floor nurse said, “I think he’s still in the day room. He likes to read at night. He’s a darling old man.”

We went to the only room that had any lights on and there was a man reading a book. The nurse went over to him and asked if he had lost his wallet. Mr. Goldstein looked up with surprise, put his hand in his back pocket and said, “Oh, it is missing!”

“This kind gentleman found a wallet and we wondered if it could be yours?”

I handed Mr. Goldstein the wallet and the second he saw it, he smiled with relief and said, “Yes, that’s it! It must have dropped out of my pocket this afternoon. I want to give you a reward.”

“No, thank you,” I said. “But I have to tell you something. I read the letter in the hope of finding out who owned the wallet.”

The smile on his face suddenly disappeared. “You read that letter?”

“Not only did I read it, I think I know where Hannah is.”

He suddenly grew pale. “Hannah? You know where she is? How is she? Is she still as pretty as she was? Please, please tell me,” he begged.

“She’s fine…just as pretty as when you knew her.” I said softly.

The old man smiled with anticipation and asked, “Could you tell me where she is? I want to call her tomorrow.” He grabbed my hand and said, “You know something, Mister? I was so in love with that girl that when that letter came, my life literally ended. I never married. I guess I’ve always loved her.”

“Mr. Goldstein,” I said, “Come with me.”

We took the elevator down to the third floor. The hallways were darkened and only one or two little night-lights lit our way to the day room where Hannah was sitting alone watching the television. The nurse walked over to her.

“Hannah,” she said softly, pointing to Michael, who was waiting with me in the doorway. “Do you know this man?”

She adjusted her glasses, looked for a moment, but didn’t say a word. Michael said softly, almost in a whisper, “Hannah, it’s Michael. Do you remember me?”

She gasped, “Michael! I don’t believe it! Michael! It’s you! My Michael!” He walked slowly towards her and they embraced. The nurse and I left with tears streaming down our faces.

“See,” I said. “See how the Good Lord works! If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

About three weeks later I got a call at my office from the nursing home. “Can you break away on Sunday to attend a wedding? Michael and Hannah are going to tie the knot!”

It was a beautiful wedding with all the people at the nursing home dressed up to join in the celebration. Hannah wore a light beige dress and looked beautiful. Michael wore a dark blue suit and stood tall. They made me their best man.

The hospital gave them their own room and if you ever wanted to see a 76-year-old bride and a 79-year-old groom acting like two teenagers, you had to see this couple.

A perfect ending for a love affair that had lasted nearly 60 years.

Apologies

We got a B again, for class cleanliness. And it was because of the bin. Well I was angry and disappointed. I mean like we are forever so close yet so far. Honestly. Like we're always one step away from that freaking A... Like literally ONE step.

And so I made a mistake and did something not very ideal... Won't describe anything in detail here... But my point is, I'm really sorry... I mean I even though you "admitted" that you didn't do your duty and all, but I was really frustrated. Like many of us don't do our duties unless told, and some of us, even told, don't do it. I mean this is our class. And unless you're saying that you're ok with "living" in a garbage dump, why don't you clean up the class? And so I told you that I was disappointed. Though there was no dispute, no quarrel, no "stare-dagger(ing)", but I just felt so bad.

Like I know I should be more understanding and accommodating to others' circumstances, but I just feel that all this while I've been understanding so many other people's circumstances and their "reasons" for failing to do whatever they promised (or so I think). I'm just tired of all the "I'm sorry"s that keep coming and going, without any sincerity and significance, so much so that I don't want to hear them any more. I don't want people to tell me that they are sorry because they didn't do their duty, or they are sorry because they were not free, or sorry just because.

And so I was rather pissed off at you to be honest. But later on I felt that I owe you so much more than you owe me. All those redundant stuff that took up your time, your energy, your talents, you didn't have to do them, and maybe you only did them cuz I asked you. And so then I felt apologetic. I wanted to say sorry. But I hate "I'm sorry"s. I hate it when people tell me that. But now I want to tell you that. Honestly, it's hard to put a finger on why I'm sorry. I guess it's just because you don't deserve any forms of "it's your fault" given all of your unseen and unknown contributions to the class. And yup, I said it. I apologised. Don't know if you accepted the apology, but I didn't know what to do or say even if you didn't accept it.

And so life went on. Now thinking about it, I'm wondering, what are apologies then? I've heard so many of them that my impression of the phrase "I'm sorry", is just that it's what you say when you have nothing else to say, or when you don't really care to be sincere, or when you know you're at fault but don't bother to do anything to make it right.

Apologies. To me, right now, they equate to empty words. Words that don't mean a single thing, words that you hang on your lips so stuff it into someone's ear when you run out of things to say because you just don't care.

But I know apologies were not meant to be like that. I remember Grandpa used to tell me that apologies are like kisses. But it depends on whether the kiss comes from an angel or a devil. If it's an angel's kiss, it'll heal the wound, but if it's a devil's kiss, not only would it not heal, it would make it worse.

Maybe now apologies don't mean a single thing to me, even though I still use them everyday... Contradictory, but I don't know... I'm a complicated person. I think we all are...  So back in those days, we guarded our supply of apologies, because they meant so much for us to give away, and meant so much for those on the receiving end. Now, we hang apologies on the brim of our lips, and they are used so often it's almost as if we're looking for opportunities to throw it out at people. But I know someday, I'll find that true meaning of apologies again. I'll find the origins of an apology, back in those times when apologies were the most precious things in the world, because they were meant to repair almost everything.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Teachers Day!

So first of all, Guama and I went to Jem, J Cube and Clementi Mall to shop for Teachers' Day presents :) and well that was really fun, but so tiring! I really didn't know what to get for my teachers, Mrs Any in particular... 

I mean now I realise, actually I don't really know them very well... Except a few of course. :p but whatever, we did it, and got the presents, and in the way out, we saw this 2 girls "selling chances to take Polaroid photos" and the proceeds will go to this association for the deaf <3 and so we took a Polaroid together, and Guama just kept emphasising that she was bending down and was still taller than me. FINE GUAMA. FINE. 

So on Teachers' Day, which was like today, everything was just pure awesomeness. It was just perfect! :) I mean like what can be better than knowing that your favourite teacher won 2 prizes for leading and caring, and your mom won most inspiring and most organised? 

So yup it was all perfect. :) except that I didn't go for the class gathering... And didn't go and see my friends... All because of the performance on Saturday... :( 

PERFECT! :D