That day, Claud sent me a link to one of her blog posts. It was about me. And it was so beautiful. It was something that I could look to whenever, wherever, and know that someone actually cares about my stuff and don't mind sacrificing to help me, even though it doesn't concern them at all.
It was then that I wanted a blog. I wanted to make other people feel the way that Claud made me feel: so assured, so comforted, so blessed. But since BTs are round the corner, I told myself I would start the blog only after this week.
Never would I have thought that anything would happen to require the use of this blog before the BTs actually arrive. Until now.
To My Dearest,
Well, you will probably never read this if I didn't give you the link, but if you're reading this right now, you know it's for you. Only you.
I know you may think that this is extremely cliched. You may think, "What?! Everytime you do something wrong, you just write a letter conveniently and think that things are alright?" Well, I know that I had written a similar letter to you before, and only you know about it. And I just want to say, I don't write these letters for fun. I really mean them, and I want you to know that.
Maybe you don't want to read this. Maybe you don't see the point in wasting 5 minutes of your life on this post. Maybe you have already formed in your mind this impression that I'm just a huge insensitive jerk. But it's ok. I understand. It was all my fault. And I really mean it when I say that. I want you to know, it's ok if you don't want to read this, but please just let me say it.
You are the person closest to me in class. Like literally. And maybe it's because of that, that you get to know everything about me first. Everything about me, from how I spent my weekend, to what my family did together, my worries, my joys, my everything. And maybe that's also why you will be the first to see my ugliest side. The side of me that only you see and only you can and will tolerate.
I remember when I was running for council, I asked you what my weakness was, and you were very nice. You told me that sometimes, I was too honest, and I inferred it myself that perhaps sometimes, I hurt your feelings without even realizing. Well, I know that today is one of those days again, where I've hurt you and not noticed until later. We are all human, and I know that we all make mistakes. You've made a mistake, but you realized it and don't wish to talk about it ever again. That's reasonable. I've made a mistake. I brought up the mistake that you made, and it hit you like a bomb. I can still remember your reactions when I said that fateful sentence. You turned away from me. Just like that. I knew I was wrong, but I was a coward, not daring to apologize to you straight away. I waited, and waited, until when I finally mustered up enough courage to talk to you, you didn't want to hear it anymore. Basically, this was our conversation:
"Hey, can I talk to you?"
"Yeah."
"Just now, during Ms Chua's lesson..."
"It's alright."
And that was it! That was my chance to tell you all of this and I just ruined it. Well, now here's the intended conversation, just that it's a monologue from me to you:
"Hey I'm really sorry for what happened earlier on. It was my mistake, and I really feel apologetic about it. People say "Forgive and Forget", but I know for a fact that you will never forget what happened, what I said, and you probably won't forgive me that easily either. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's ok if you don't forgive me. After all, it was my fault, and who am I to demand for your forgiveness? It has always been difficult for me to tell you this, but now that I'm writing this for you, there's nothing to hide. Do you remember those times that I leaned on your shoulder and told you how I was so tired of living this life? Going through everyday just because I have to? Doing everything just because I have to? And do you remember those times that I used to lean on your shoulder and just stay there, not saying anything? And you just let me stay there and even though we didn't say a single word, you made me feel so comfortable, so calm, like an Angel was watching over us, preparing to send to God another one of my letters to Him that I wrote silently in my mind. You will never know this, but those times were my favourite. Those were the times that I felt that there was only the two of us in this whole wide world, and that nothing and nobody was there to tell us to do something, or go somewhere, or stop dreaming. I want to remember those times forever, and forget what happened today forever, but I know it's not possible. I know that the only thing I can do now, is to be patient and wait, wait for the time that you feel I'm worthy enough for you to allow me to lean on your shoulder without saying anything. Even though that time will not come anytime soon, but I really hope it will come. And I know when it comes, I'll treasure it like never before, and make sure that an Angel watches over us and tells God that I LOVE YOU."
So in 3 words I can sum up the contents of this letter:
Please Forgive Me...
And P.S.:
I love you.
A lot.
Really.
Yours Sincerely,
your deskie,
waiting for your forgiveness.
