Painful Experiences

I went for my first ever church service today, with you. And to be honest I was kinda uncertain about how it will all turn out. Will this be "my religion"?

You know first we sang those songs of praise, and though I have never heard of any of those songs, for some reason when you all started singing, I felt as if I had known those songs for forever... Maybe that's the universal language, the language of love that God showers all of us with. And then Aunty Sally gave this lesson. Really, I can't think of a better time than today to come to your church. The lesson was about "My Experiences". More specifically, the Painful Experiences. Ha how more apt can the timing be since I'm facing one now right...

And Aunty Sally said that God chooses you to face a painful experience because He knows that you will be faithful, because He knows that you will uphold His glory, because He knows that you will get through it and become stronger and better. She also said that the Painful Experiences are for us to challenge ourselves to convert the pain into joy by helping people, and then finally into victory when you and the others around you defeat the Pain. And then she shared her story about how she found out she'll never have her own children, and how she realised that God didn't give her 1 child of her own because He was gonna give her so many more children that she can treat as her own, and love as her own. And now, she's happy.

When she mentioned this "loving a child like your own" thing, I can't stop thinking of Ms Chua. Honestly, I'm still super confused with her sudden confession of the whole "Godmother" thing. Don't get me wrong. I'm over the moon and extremely honoured to even be considered her Goddaughter, but I always wonder why Ms Chua never had her own children. You know I really really would like to be the child that Ms Chua never had, not just because I love her so very much, and treat her just like I treat my real mom, but also because I always feel she deserves so much more than she has. Not saying that I can bring her eternal happiness, but if I can make her smile, I really want to make her happy, because she is so so beautiful, so so strong, and so so angelic. All you need to do is to peel her strict and serious outer layers, and be amazed and taken aback by her Heart Of Gold.

Aunty Sally asked, at the end of the lesson, if I could do one thing for God, knowing that I will not fail, what would I do, and I told you, that I will help as many of His children as possible, because I believe that that is what He would want-for His children to help one another.

I guess right now, I'll just go with whatever is happening, and though I don't have confidence in medical science, or in myself, that I will be cured, I have confidence in God, that He will see me through this. And I'll just wait and see where He leads me to.

Getting better :)

Don't lose your way
With each passing day
You've come so far
Don't throw it away
Live believing
Dreams are for weaving
Wonders are waiting to start
Live your story
Faith, hope and glory
Hold to the truth in your heart

First and foremost, I just need you to know how happy and proud I am of you. Really. With what's happening with me right now, I know pretty sure I won't be cured -only taken care of-, and you know, seeing you get better makes me so happy. Yes what you have and what I have are like two ends of the spectrum, but because you are someone whom I care for, and whom I believe in, seeing and knowing that you're getting better, and will continue to get even better, makes me feel like I am getting better. And you never know, I may just make a miracle happen! :p

Seriously, I'm proud of you. And yes maybe right now your will to get better is fueled by how you don't want to disappoint the people around you, especially those who care, but I know, and I hope you do to, that eventually, you'll understand that more than not disappointing us, you are getting better for yourself.

Souls in the wind
Must learn how to bend
Seek out a star
Hold on to the end
Valley, mountain
There is a fountain
Washes our tears all away
Words are swaying
Somebody is praying
Please let us come home to stay

You are getting better because you are worth it. I know that, and I know too, that deep inside you, you know that too, or else you wouldn't have fought so hard to get to where you are right now. And maybe it's precisely cuz you know deep inside that you are worth so much more that you don't know how to answer when I ask you why you even bothered to fight to hard to get here.

You are getting better because you are so strong. So much more than you think. (Sorry to have this abrupt interjection but you know Ms Chua wrote this in the card that y'all so sweetly prepared for me, she said -I'm giving you special access here cuz I'm quoting her directly and THAT IS AN HONOUR-  "I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said that 'Women are like tea bags; they don't know how strong they are until they are in hot water'". And then she said something more but yeah, that is as far as the "special access" goes. :P) Since Ms Chua is the wisest angel around, I want to spread her word. You always tell me I'm strong, and even stronger that I even think I am, and yes I'm gonna throw that right back at you. YOU are stronger than you think, why else do you think you can resist all the devils screaming in your head, put on a brave face (literally), and get help? (P.S. I know you've quit coffee, but to pay homage to Ms Chua, in case you need a "pick-me-up", why don't try tea instead? :p)

You are getting better because you deserve life. You deserve everything that you have, and everything that you will have. There will be much tougher things out there, but I know you'll defeat them by hook or by crook. Remember Capricorns? And to be honest, I think there are many people who think they don't deserve to live, and maybe some of them really don't, but I know many of them do. You deserve to live life to the absolute fullest, and find your corner of the universe. I know you've fount it (her) already, but you know, I'm talking about the practical means.

When we are out there in the dark
We'll dream about the sun
In the dark we'll feel the light
Warm our hearts, everyone. 

You know, we always find ourselves thinking the same thing, or saying the same thing, or doing the same thing. We always joke to say that "Great minds think alike... Fools do too..." But I think these uncanny coincidences are not coincidences. They are just incidences that Fate puts into place to further emphasise the obvious-we have, are, and always will be here for each other. I don't know if this is overwhelming for you, the idea that two people are meant for each other other than in the romantic way, but it is to me. Knowing that someone, not your kin, is here for you forever and always, is so powerful I can't even fully grasp the idea.

If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
As high as souls can fly
The clouds roll by
For you and I

"Be Brave like Your Godmother"

Life has a funny way of hitting you. Sometimes it comes in a lucky draw, sometimes it comes in another person entering your life, and sometimes it comes in illnesses. Well, no one likes illnesses right, and no one deserves them, I think...

And I have an illness. I'm not proud of that, or happy about that, but you taught me that it's not my fault, and I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I can, and perhaps should be afraid, but never embarrassed. 

Honestly, I'm not just afraid. I'm petrified, horrified, terrified. I've never been so scared in my entire life. I've never cried so many tears for one single thing in such a short period of time . And when I told you that, I thought you would think that I'm exaggerating, that cuz I've always had this problem and nothing has happened, I would be fine, and I was just over-reacting everything. 

You didn't think that. You said that you understand, and you will always be here. Seriously, word for word, I listened to you, and to tell you the truth, in that few moments that you talked to me, I forgot that I had a condition, and that I was scared to the core. 

Then you shared with me your own health problems, and though I've always known you had such problems, I've never known the extent of them until now. Yet you accept them so well, and maybe that's just a facade, but I still think that you're so so so strong. And then you told me that we'll get through this together, literally and figuratively. 

With you, I felt so "at peace" (quoted from Allison), and like I've found my hiding place, just like KX. Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe you just care cuz I'm your student, and I thought so too for such a long time, but you told me this, and I promise I'll remember this forever. 

"Darling, be brave, like Your Godmother..." 

I'll be brave, like you, and I'll accept this the best way possible, like you, and I'll get through this, like you. It's gonna be a tough road, I know that, but I know too, I'll rise above them all. :) Yes, I'm still shaking with all sorts of emotions, but because of you, and many others, I know I'm not alone. Not now, not ever. 

I'll be brave, like My Godmother... 

Happy for You :)

Hello darling!

Just wanted to tell you how happy and proud of you I am. I know it's not difficult overcoming this obstacle of yours, but I'm just so happy that you've finally seen the light, and somewhat understood what we've been telling you all along! 

You know, you keep saying that I've been a huge part of helping you get through this period, but honestly, through the endless quote searches, the "OMG" messaging, I kinda helped myself too. And I just need you to know what you've told me -you are stronger than you think, and you've already come so far, with an even further road to go, and I know your future is waiting for you out there. YOUR corner of the universe is calling for you, with your name carved on it, waiting for you to come along and claim what's rightfully yours! 

I'm just so happy for you, and very very thankful that you've decided to be happy, cuz seriously, you have so much to be happy about! You just need to look at the right direction! :) 

And to end off, I'll tell you something that Ms Chua told me that day: 

Yes, life is extremely tough, extremely complicated, but count your blessings, darling, because you're a very lucky girl, and you are loved. :) 

I love you very very much, and I know you'll be here when Ms Chua can't be. :) 

Here's something that Ms Chua wrote for me in her gift last year (remember that day?? :p) 

This Week

Alright so this week was really bad, but in the bad, there was so much good. So if you don't mind, actually even if you mind I'll do this anyways, I shall just summarise this week in one blog post.

Monday

Doctor's appointment at hospital. Bad news. Blood condition. To school.
Keep it together, you're gonna be just fine... 
In school. Crying like a mad woman.
Control  yourself. Ms Chua is right here, don't embarrass yourself, don't show her you're a weakling. 
Still crying.

Tuesday

Better, still worried. Ms Chua's medical appointment. Thank God at least she's fine.
Hospital again at night. Heart And Blood Condition. Medically Unfit. Need a specialist. No camps.
Cried again.
When am I gonna to die... 

Wednesday 

Told teachers. Teachers told more teachers.
Everyone seems to be breaking down. Or maybe it's just me.
Now, you're gonna be strong and happy and you'll be just fine. One day, you'll die, when you're old and happy, in a warm bed with the people you love all around you. One day, you'll die. Not today, or tomorrow, not anytime soon. So get it together, it's no big deal. 

Thursday

Pre-Valentines! :) LOADS of sugar! (Sweets, Brownies, Chocolates, Starbucks!) EVEN MORE LOADS of love!!!! More crying, but happy tears now. :) A HUGE thank you to all who have contributed to the tears! (Basically everyone I know)
Now that's the way it's supposed to be! People here are gonna stick with you, right beside you. So keep smiling, and life will smile back! 

Friday 

Stay home. Rest Well. Catch Up.
You can do it. You will do it. 

In My Dreams

There was a time some time ago
When every sunrise meant a sunny day,

I know you believe in dreams, and I think that's really powerful. Seriously. And I think sometimes, you feel that people think the things you believe are, let's just put it as "not as deep and mature as it could be"... I don't know if this is the correct, or appropriate way to say it, but you know what I mean... :)

But now when the morning light shines in
It only disturbs the dreamland where I lay, 

I used to believe in dreams too. I remember I would always think that dreams are a way of fortune telling, until I realised that none of my dreams have ever came true. And maybe it's this very practical, but cruel thing that kinda made me wish that dreams didn't even exist.

I used to thank the lord when I'd wake
For life and love and the golden sky above me
But now I pray the stars will go on shining, you see in my dreams things will be alright 

Only in my dreams, do I actually feel safe. And that's pretty scary don't you think? Life is supposed to make you happy, maybe not today, not tomorrow, but ultimately, right? But how come I'm happier when I'm not in life?

Daybreak is a joyful time
Just listen to the songbird harmonies,

Because dreams are fantasies, and nothing is more powerful that fantasies...

But I wish the dawn would never come
I wish there was silence in the trees, 
If only I could stay asleep, at least I could pretend things are alright 
cuz night time is the one time I am happy, in my dreams

"Special-ness"

This afternoon was pretty great, I mean apart from meeting Ms Chua for 2 hours ;p, our talk was the best part of my week perhaps.

You told me many things, like you always do. And though you may think that these things are not as deep as like feminism, equality, or any other things that our very sophisticated friends believe in, I think these things are those that are really special, and honestly, I don't really know why, but that's the best part, isn't it? :)

And I don't really know what to make of the talk, but I just wanted to let you know how honoured I am to be able to be the person you go to when you need help, or just someone to talk to. Though I may not be your best friend, just getting to know you is enough to open a whole new world for me, and it's enough for me to feel special. So thank you darling, for just being you.

And perhaps one day I'll find the right words and phrasing to express everything I want to say, but till that day comes, I hope you know how special you are, not just to me, but really, to everyone who knows you. And I hope that you'll understand the "specialness" of you, and the things you tell me, though I don't necessarily say it out. :)

One sided

Many things in this world are one-sided. Just these couple of years, I've realised how many artists, poets, musicians, etc dedicate their works to the common theme of unrequited love.

But I always feel, don't all the greatest relationships start off as one-sided? I mean yes, I don't know much about relationships and love and everything else, but I always feel like the longest-lasting, the most moving and sweetest relationships, regardless what type, starts off as "unrequited"...

I mean the way I see it, the greatest relationships start off when someone sees the beauty in you. They will appreciate your beautiful parts, and for all the parts that you used to hate, they'll glorify it, and those parts will perhaps be the parts that they love most about you. And it will probably take a lot of time, but somehow, the other person will realise that whatever they have been searching for, that love, that acceptance, that feeling of oh-my-how-come-I-feel-so-special, is right there in front of their eyes. And then they will start to break down their wall, and let people in, of course, that's after deliberating for countless days and nights. They will convince themselves to take a chance, and show people who they are. Then they will realise that they made the right decision, and while finding someone special, they'll find who they really are. And then that's when the love becomes mutual.

That's so fairytale-like isn't it?

But oh well, since I don't know much about such things, I'll just take it that sometimes, fairytales do happen...

"My Josh" :P

I just want to say that I'm so grateful to have people who care about me, my feelings, and everything that I let myself show. And can I just say that I have the bestest friends, like the BESTEST. And honestly, I really don't know where I will be, who I will be, and how I will be if it were not for them.

And you know, as we go on, and as our lives change, we grow apart, and though it's still kinda early (or so we feel) I just want to make sure that this message gets across to all those friends of mine out there. Regardless whether you are the people whom i share literally everything with, and go out for dates with you, or if you are "just another classmate", I need y'all to know that no matter how small, you've made a difference in my life, and though I can't promise that I'll remember every single thing that we've been through together, I guarantee, that I'll remember you, because it's not the things that we get through together that impact me, it's YOU.

And so today you asked me about TIB, and I always find it amazing how you guys actually read this blog and take to heart the things said here, like when I was so upset during EOYs last year, or when I write about random thoughts, sometimes pretty dark, and you guys actually will bother to even ask me about it, and about how I feel. And it just makes me feel so lucky to even know you people, and how sad it will be when we part one day (though we've all been through last year's "last-day-of-school-saga"). 

And just so you know, I think you're so lucky to have Josh, I mean or anyone to tell these things to for that matter, and yes I believe that I'll find my Josh one day, but actually when I look around, anyone could be my Josh... And maybe you're right, that I need to love unconditionally, and risk getting hurt, but at the same time learning to heal, and perhaps even finding who my real Josh is... Yes, I'll work on that. I will.

And to this other very special "you", thank you for everything. You always say I'm the only one who will do this and do that, but funny thing is that I think you are the only one who will do this and do that for me... So to all the crazy things we've been through together, good or bad, I just want you to know how grateful I am to even get to know you, and I don't hope we'll have the time of our lives together. I know we will, I mean just think about how much fangirling there will be? And how much ranting there will be? And how many late nights (or rather early mornings) there will be? :P