Monday, 30 September 2013

People who care

You know, life's been difficult. Not just for me. For everyone. But in this period, all I can think of is me, myself and my dying life. 

But every time I want to give up, don't care and just suffer any consequences that may come my way, someone is always there to pull me up. I don't know if it's good or bad. Why do I know such caring people in my life? Why do I deserve them when all I'm doing is waste their time and energy when I talk about my meaningless, endless, solution-less problems? 

These people, they keep me going. But the question is, do I even want to keep going? Well honestly there is no answer. I have to keep going. I mean suicide is just too irresponsible and impulsive. 

And so every time I give up on myself, there's someone out there who still cares to just give me a little tug. And so I'm up on my feet again. Fighting aimlessly again. 

You know, when you are stressed out, you get emotional easily, especially if you're already an emotional person like me. So a simple, unexpected text message that I'd received from this really good friend of mine just sent me bursting into childish tears. Sometimes it's so comforting to know that someone still cares and believes in you, especially when they are in the same lump of mess as you are in. But other times, you just don't know what to say.  

So this time was one of those "other times". I guess I was just too overridden by the whole whirlwind of things going on that I've forgotten about other people who are in my shoes too, and who still bother to care for others. 

And I think I need time to sort things out a little, but for now, I just want to say Thank YOU.  :) 

P.S. Please do not be influenced by the depressing stuff up there ok? I promise, they are temporary. :) One fine day really really soon, I'll be writing about cheerful things again... :p 

Sunday, 29 September 2013

It's Time

Today is one of those days, one of those days that I just want to give up. But today, something is different. I don't just want to give up. I gave up.

Last night I was still working out today's work plan, motivating myself to push harder for this last lap.
Well that was last night.

It's a different day today. It's a new start again. And I'm a different person from yesterday.

I don't want to push hard any more.

I don't want to hang in there any more.

I don't want to have the dream of doing well any more.

You know what? Maybe it's time for me to give up. Maybe it's time for me to stop fantasising about being able to challenge my limits and get through this. Maybe it's time for me to surrender to this cruel world.

Dear Myself

Dearest Myself,

Stop cheating me.

Stop it.

Right now.

Before I start cheating you.


Friday, 27 September 2013

Darling, why don't you cry?


Your eyes are sparkling,
And your heart breaking.

But
You smile sweetly,
Though you're dying slowly.
You appear to be strong,
Though it will not be long
Before we see things go absolutely wrong.

Why Darling, why don't you cry?

Your life is empty, messed up,
Like a measuring cup,
Never filled up.

But
You put on a brave face,
Though you're always in fear's embrace.
You seem to love life,
Though you're always looking at the knife.

Why Darling, why don't you cry?


Your life is wrong,
And you don't deserve it.

Crying helps, cuz in that moment
When the tears fall,
I promise,
I'll be there to catch them,
And let them take the pain away
From that tiny shell of yours.
Let them run, I will,
And make sure they don't come back,
I will too.

This is not permanent.
Nothing is,
But some things heal you
Better than others do.
Maybe if you let it out,
You won't have to pretend.

Everyone is weak.
Everyone is vulnerable.
Everyone is able to heal.
So will you show me who you are?
Give me your soul?
And let me help you heal yourself?

Skyscraper

I remember when I first heard this song, I felt goosebumps all over my body, because everything was sang with so much emotions. Then I listened to the lyrics, and they meant so much. Really. And that was when I began to love this song. 

Well that was a few years back, and even until now, I still listen to this song, feel the emotions and the lyrics, and get the same goosebumps all over. Right now, I think all of us need a bit of this song, so I'll post it here, and hope that it'll give y'all enough strength to get through this period. :) I love you guys! Don't give up yet ok? Cuz we're all in this together! :D And sometimes, we need to remind ourselves of that so that we press on and keep going. 


Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like, there's nothing left of me?

You can take everything I have 
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows, still are broken, but I'm standing on my feet

You can take everything I have 
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

Go run run run I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper


Thursday, 26 September 2013

The Big Year

So this year is your big year, "the year that defines your fate"... And I've been there before, so I know how it feels to be in all that shit. Yes that was indeed a period full of shit. And I mean what I say. I don't care if I'm being foul-mouthed right now, but seeing you go through all this, hating the world, and ultimately claiming to not care about the results, I feel the boiling anger and frustration in me once again, just like a few years back when I went through the exact same shit.

But today, you took your first paper, and you said it went well. So I'm happy for you.

You know, back when I went through all this shit, I knew this other guy, whom you know too, and I think you are a lot like him. Both of you have gotten enough of this shit and claim that y'all don't care, but I know that both of you do. That's why no matter how shitty things get, how much y'all are frustrated, and how much y'all just wanna give up, you both pressed on. And you know what? You guys are brave people, and y'all have The Warrior's Heart. Both of you. :)

This is for you, and since you've had no choice whether or not to get yourself into all this shit, and since you've already ploughed your way through to get here, why not just press on like you always did and get out of this shit like a Warrior, and a Winner.

To those people, who tell you to calm down, to chill, to not be so stressed out. Ignore them. They don't know what you're going through, cuz they've never been through this shit. But I have. So I'm always here for you, and don't worry, when you want to let the steam out, I'll be right there to curse this world with you.

Hang in there bro! I know you can do it! And after all this shit, I promise, we'll go out together, just the two of us, without mommy or daddy, and have the best time! :)  

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Eyes Open

Everybody's waiting
Everybody's watching
Even when you're sleeping
Keep your eyes open

The tricky thing
Is yesterday we were just children
Playing soldiers
Just pretending
Dreaming dreams with happy endings

In backyards, winning battles with our wooden swords
But now we've stepped into a cruel world
Where everybody stands and keeps score
Keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown
Everybody's watching to see the fallout
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping
Keep your eyes open

So here you are, two steps ahead and staying on guard
Every lesson forms a new scar
They never thought you'd make it this far
But turn around, they've surrounded you
It's a showdown and nobody comes to save you now
But you've got something they don't
You've just gotta keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown
Everybody's watching to see the fallout
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping
Keep your eyes open

Keep your feet ready
Heartbeat steady
Keep your eyes open
Keep your aim locked
The night goes dark
Keep your eyes open

Everybody's waiting for you to breakdown
Everybody's watching to see the fallout
Even when you're sleeping, sleeping
Keep your eyes open

Hold On, Pain Ends


So previously I had this burning anger in me, cuz I just don't understand why I'm even on this planet, in this life... But now, I think I feel better. And I think a huge part of this change should be credited to the many awesome people that I've been talking to. I think great friends really matter. And they are really important. 

I think I see it now. Since my life is like that as of now, with the many assessments and exams, maybe I should be kind to myself and let it go. Honestly, all this dead weight inside me is pulling me down emotionally, physically, mentally, whatever. But thinking about it, it was my choice to hold on to these useless things and let them pull me down. So maybe now, I should just see the bright side of things, like you always do, and perhaps then I'll be happier. And you never know, one fine day, I may be saying the exact things that you told me, to someone else who is not letting themselves be themselves. 

Look at the picture. Yes, I will hold on. We've all come so far, it's just not time to give up. There are 13 days of crap, but I know these days of pain, tears, anger and stress will all be worth it. 

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

A little push

Today, I found something to actually look forward to after our gross encounter with the EOYs. And you know what, maybe it's hard to believe that such a tiny thing can light up my life, but seriously, when I found out that our play was selected, you don't know how happy I was. You really don't.

I mean all of us put in so much into this production, and we didn't even have rehearsals without our script, and yet we just braced ourselves and fought on. Well you know, I think you guys are right. While I'm panicking about our lack of practice, you guys were cool about it, and I know that it is definitely not because y'all don't care. I know that you all care, but the fact that you guys could be so zen just amazes me. And that is precisely why I love our group so much. Y'all are so calm and collected, which really make up for my anxiety and stress.

So with something else to look forward to after the last battle, I think now I've got slightly more motivation to hang in there and keep pushing myself.

Yes. I will do that. I will work hard to get what I want. And mind you, what I want is not perfect grades. I just want to know that I did my absolute best.

Monday, 23 September 2013

Happiness is a choice

This is what I always say... And in my recent presentation, I said it again. But no matter how much I "advocate" this, even I don't feel the real meaning of it anymore. 

You showed me your "ranting platform" and pointed out that the title is not true. Well I think I agree. I mean at least right now, that's precisely what I'm feeling. But I know some time soon, I'll find the real meaning of this again. And so will you, I hope. :) 

P.S. I'll try to let go of the things that have no point holding on to. :) and I hope that one day soon, you'll find your "definition" cuz there are just so many things that you are awesome at! You just need to find them and prove to yourself just how amazing you are. :) 

P.P.S. We'll talk soon, some time in the middle of the night, and I promise then, it'll just be the two of us complaining about this world and the stupid stuff happening... :) 

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Disgusted.

I don't know why I am part of this disgusting thing called life...

I used to think that life was happy, sweet, and incredibly rewarding. Well now I just keep asking myself why in the world was I even made to be part of this mess. Maybe to stir up even more trouble in this already screwed up world...

Well I think it's this period, where everything that could cost you "your life" is happening to you. Right now. In this moment. People always say, it's ok to fail. I don't know, but do they really mean it? Is it really ok? If it is, then why do we have to do re-test after re-test if we really fail? If it's really ok, why do people reprimand us for not doing well? If it's really ok, then why do we need exceptional results to get into the "best universities"? Why then, did we have this idea of "banding" in the first place, if failing was ok?

I don't know, I just think that those people who tell you it's ok to fail, it's ok to not do well, maybe they think it's ok, cuz it didn't happen to them...

Right now, I'm just disgusted at life. No, more specifically, disgusted at the revolting situation that I am in. One of mommy's friends asked me to describe examinations. And I said, they are "absolutely stressful, most likely unnecessary, incredibly disgusting, unimaginably revolting". Well I'm sorry for all the negative energy channeled here. But that's how I really feel right now...

There's 15 days to the revolting end-of-year examinations, and I just hope that I survive through all this crap and not give up. Cuz even though I feel that exams are disgusting, let's face reality, that's what we have to, and need to, do.

Now I just want someone to save me from this whole mess before I drop into the worlds beneath. But I'm afraid that someone can only be me. Me. And no one else...

Perfect?

Are you perfect? No you're not. You're not even close, please... 

Life is not perfect. And it will never be. 

So if you are not perfect, and life is not perfect, who are you then, to demand me to be perfect? 

I'm not perfect. I know that, and I accept that. So don't you try to make me be "your kind of perfect."
 

Saturday, 21 September 2013

Choice

Did we have a choice whether or not to live?

Do we have a choice what to do and how to do it?

Will we ever have a choice how we want to live?

Maybe we do...

But how come those who had the courage to make that choice to live the way they want are deemed as the "special" and "different" people?

Was life ever a matter of choice? I really don't know...

Things that Stop you Dreaming


I've got no money in my hand, or my coat, or my pocket.
Won't get to space 'cause I haven't got a rocket.


But I have air in my lungs, eyes in my sockets
And a heart that beats like a tap that leaks
In the night when you haven't got a plumber that can stop it, 


Well, this boat may sink, but I'm not gonna rock it
Cuz the sea doesn't know my name.


Well, if you can't get what you love, 
You learn to love the things you've got.
Well, if you can't get what you love, 
You learn to be the things you're not 
If you can't get what you need, 
You learn to need the things that stop you dreaming.

All the things that stop you dreaming.

Well, I've got no-one's word and nobody's promise, 
Not a lot to show but this book full of sonnets.

In the summertime when everyone gets on it, 
Warm our skins and get sunburned from it.


And our eyes shine bright like a sky full of comets
That shoot like silver trains.


Well, if you can't get what you love, 
You learn to love the things you've got.
If you can't be what you want, 
You learn to be the things you're not.
If you can't get what you need, 
You learn to need the things that stop you dreaming.

All the things that stop you dreaming.


Thursday, 19 September 2013

Another Sogurt date! <3

Dunnie and I went to Sogurt yesterday, and we both had Belgian Waffles, which was AWESOME! :) 
So we took, or rather Dunnie took photos of our delicious waffles, so credits to her AWESOME photography! :D it's a pity we didn't take photos of us though... 



Wednesday, 18 September 2013

L


L could stand for anything.

Loneliness.

Liberty.

Legacy.

Maybe even Losers.
...

But for today, L stands for
Letters and Love

Loving Letters.

Friday, 13 September 2013

We'll be there :)

Oh, why do you look so sad?
Tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now

Don't be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
'Cause I've seen the dark side too

I think you've been going through some pretty dark days for a long time, and recently, things just got worse... 

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose

Let me come along
'Cause even if you're wrong
I'll stand by you

(By the way, go read this book when you have the time, but read it at home only ok? Unless you want to embarrass yourself outside with puffy eyes and a runny nose...) 
Well I don't know exactly what happened, but I am pretty certain this has got something, if not everything, to do with stress. So I just want to say, we're all in this together, so though I may not fully understand your circumstances, I think I can empathise with you, and support you through all of this. 

Hey, what have you got to hide? 
I get angry too
Well I'm actually a lot like you. 

So, if you're mad, get mad
Don't hold it all inside
Come on and talk whenever you want

Like I told you today, I'm a nocturnal person, so if you end up crying and worrying about things late into the night, you can be sure that I'll be looking at the same night sky, and you know how to get me, so just pop by, and we'll talk. We'll rant about all the stupid things that we are made to do, and complain about all the useless stuff that those people claim are for our own good. We'll talk, and even though it won't solve the problem, at least you'll feel better. Or so I hope... 

Take me into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you

When the night falls on you, 
And you're feeling all alone
You won't be on your own

This World

You said that I'm so lucky, to have never been teased, to have never been bullied, to have never been humiliated. Well I just want to tell you, some times, things happen and no one knows. But that doesn't mean that those things did not happen, neither does that mean that I've forgotten them. So you think I've never been teased, or bullied, or humiliated. Really? Is it that I've never been treated like a loser, never been looked down upon? Or is it that you just don't know?

Well let me tell you little darling, in life we all have our fair shares of everything. You can never always be the best, and you can never always be the worst. You can never be the most popular, and you can never be the most hated. But most importantly, God will NEVER let someone have ALL the happiness, and another person have ALL the pain.

We're different, so your idea of "being bullied", is your friends joking about your score. And what's more ridiculous, is that you're the highest in class, and you are just a mere 4 years old. So in this case, they're being kind in their "bullying". But do you have any idea what happened to me? It's ok if you don't cuz I promised myself that I will NEVER let anyone know about these nasty, sad and "loser-like" moments, because I need my pride. I've lost it before, thanks to a special someone who convinced me that I was a loser, and for those who haven't, it sucks. Really. So I won't let myself lose it again.

Then I asked you what you thought of the world. You said people are nice, and things are happy. WOW. I remember when I used to think like that too. When was that? Seems like a thousand miles away.. But I understand. When you're that young, you think that the world is make of chocolates and sweets, and everyone are angels without their halos. I don't want to spoil that image in your mind, cuz it's just so perfect. And I want you to see for yourself exactly how evil this world can be.

You think people are angels huh? Yup, there are indeed many angels around, but do you know, some of these angels are just putting up this face to trick you, waiting for that one moment to tear you apart and leave you alone, broken. And then there are the other people who don't even act like angels. They are the devils that you'll see. They treat you as badly as those "angels", but the good thing is, they won't trick you. And sometimes, in these devils, you'll see a little angel. Perhaps the angel is so tiny that you'll need to squint to see it, but it's there, and you know it. I hope you see the real angels and the real devils.

Well my little angel, I love you so very much, and I don't want you to be scared by the devils. To be honest, everyone is both an angel and a devil. But I'm very sorry, but some people to me are just plain devils, but that's because they did some pretty nasty things to me that left me broken and made me cry. I know they have an angel in them, but little darling, I'm sorry, I don't bother looking for the angel in these people. But I know you will. You are a little angel, so use your little magic, fix those broken people, and change those people who break others.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Fate and your Dreams

Dreams, you never know where they come from, or what they really mean, or why they happen.

Fate, you never know what happens next, or who you are going to meet, or where you will end up.

But if you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Cuz sometimes, fate and your dreams can collide.

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

A Warrior's Heart (III)

A heart is a funny thing. It can break, it can beat a little faster. But the most important thing it can do is heal, and if you follow it, it will lead you anywhere you need to go. 

Well I had my share of pain too...

Remember I could never pass the inclined pull-ups? Like NEVER EVER? And so every year, I would take those tests, and when it comes to the inclines pull-ups, I would always go to the very back of the queue. I would see the others do those pull-ups with so much ease, while I went through the painstaking process of self-convincing...

And until our last test in Primary School, I still didn't pass. Well I don't remember ever crying in Primary school,  because I've always felt that school was fun, happy and there's just so much to laugh about! But on that day of the test, after failing the pull-ups station again, I could hold it no more.

And so tears fell, hopes fell, everything fell. Well of course I had my best friend with me, and they were there to comfort me. I think you were doing your shuttle run, trying again and again to reach that gold standard. Then you saw me. And you asked around to know what happened.

Whatever happened next was just so fast. You said you would help me. You said I've always told you to never give up and keep trying. You said I've always been helping you, and now is you turn to help me. Well I didn't know what happened, but you, with my best friend,  brought me to the station again. You guys talked to me, and got me to try again. Well I said I wouldn't pass. Not so easy and not so fast. And you said, you may not pass now, but one day, you'll make it. Just keep trying like I've always told you to.

So then we came to a deal. You said that every week, you and my best friend would help me practice once. And so yup we went according to the plan.

Before long, 3 months passed and like you said, yup I passed the standards. Well in my Primary school there was no "re-tests" so I couldn't officially pass the test that year. But we moved on with our lives and I came to Secondary school and the inclined pull-up station was never a fear, or a challenge, or a dread for me ever again. (Cuz that dread is replaced by the freaking 2.4km run... -_-) But that's another story... And I've got awesome friends here who would help me to train for the run, just like you helped me for the pull-ups. :)

So thank you so much for the help. :)  I think that's all I'm gonna say for now...

A Warrior's Heart (II)

It’s hard to say if warriors are born or they are made by circumstances. Everyone faces hardship in life, but it just seems like some people are actually made stronger by it.

So things changed, people changed, everything changed. And through the years, so many things happened. Teachers, Friends, Exams, Stress, Homework, Co-Curricular Activities, Piano, Leadership Roles, Punishments, Compliments, Rewards... 

And I remember when we were choosing whether or not to continue Higher Chinese. And we talked for a long long time. You said you were scared. Scared of failing again and again, just like every single HCL paper you ever took in your life. You said you weren't meant to do Chinese at all. And what's more painful, is that every time you fail, you fail by 1 mark. You're always so close, so close...  

And I said I don't do well in Science, and I don't like the subject, but I still work hard for it. (cuz it's a compulsory subject -_-... Actually I work even harder for science than any other subject, just because I know that I am weak, and I need and must catch up.) And then you said, we're different. You said I'm smart, you're not. I'm determined, you're not. I'm hard working, you're not. But I know you're lying. And I know that you yourself know that what just came out of your mouth was all false. 

I remember every time before the Higher Chinese paper, you would joke with me, telling me that you would fail again. And that you don't care. But whenever you get back your results, you would cry. I always don't know what to do, and don't know what to say. Cuz I'm good at languages, and if I told you it was ok to fail, you would say that I don't understand, cuz I've never failed. And if I comforted you... I mean, come on... I don't even know how to... So I guess all that I could do was help you do your corrections while you buried your face in a flood of tears. And so every time our HCL papers came back, I would prepare myself to write really quickly, so that I can do your corrections, and mine. (I bet your parents are always wondering why your handwriting changed for the corrections... :P) And our teacher would always look at you, stare at you, and just keep staring. And before long, the whole class would be looking in our direction. Although your face was in your hands, I know that you could feel the stares. Your friends, the other boys, they failed too, and they really don't care. But you do. I know you want to pass, but you don't know how to... 

Well so you asked me if I were you, would I or would I not continue Higher Chinese. I told you I would, and I thought you would say that that's because I don't know how it feels, but you didn't. Instead, you waited for my explanation. And I said, 
 Then you kept quiet, and I don't know what you were thinking then, but in the end, you chose to continue with Higher Chinese. And you joked, saying that if you failed again, I were to blame, but if you passed, even if it's just once, I would get all the credit. Well I just laughed it off. 

Then I remember for our Preliminary Exam, the biggest exam before THE BIGGEST EXAM, you failed again. This time, by half a mark. Now, you were really sad. I mean sad isn't even the right word. I think you were frustrated, livid, crestfallen, depressed, and you felt like a loser... And so you cried again. And while the teacher was praising me for getting first in class, you were shaking next to me, covering your face, crying. I don't know why, but I felt so sorry and so guilty... Sorry that I did well and you didn't, guilty that I was being praised in your face while you "grieved"... 

And so as usual, I did my corrections, and yours, and I think you were really upset cuz for the first time, you went to the toilet. Sitting next to you for all 6 years of my Primary School life, I've never seen you go to the toilet to cry, so I knew that this time, it was all over for you. And so you left, and my hands sprinted on the paper. 

Then all of a sudden I spotted a marking error somehow, and got you 1 mark. So you eventually passed. :) I knew that when you saw the change in marks, you would jump for joy, but problem was, you didn't come back to class for the whole lesson... And so the teacher got a little worried and got another boy to go look for you. So you came back with puffed up eyes, red nose, wet face, basically looking pathetic.. :p 

Then you saw your paper, and what happened afterwards was a whirlwind of  comedies. You saw the paper. You looked at the name. You flipped through the pages. You smiled. You shouted. You jumped. The whole class turned around. People were thinking that you are a weirdo, I bet, crying one moment and laughing the other. The teacher was laughing. The class was laughing. You were laughing. 

So I guess that was your "BIG MOMENT"... I mean you achieved your goal didn't you? :) So for the rest of the day you were so happy that it became extremely annoying. You kept asking me how I found the mistake, what did I say to the teacher, what the teacher did... And you even asked me if I could look at your past year papers, with MY corrections, to see if you deserved some more marks. -_- 

You were happy, REALLY happy, and I guess I was happy for you too... 

Sunday, 8 September 2013

A Warrior's Heart (I)

It’s funny what you notice the first time you see someone. Confidence, a nice smile, a little connection. What you don’t see, what’s impossible to know at first glance, means everything else, at least everything that counts.

It was so long ago... When we were both 7 years old, I suppose... And I remember how, when our form teacher put us together, neither of us talked, or smiled, or even looked at each other. I was a shy girl, especially since I'd just came from what I thought was the best place on earth, where there was no school, no work, and basically all the best things in life. So I was thrown into this whirlwind of this thing called "going to school", and "waking up early", and all sorts of different things here.

You see, I didn't grow up here... Where I grew up, there were 4 seasons, familiar faces and the fluent and slightly "slangish" English. Well ok, I'll just say it then. I grew up in the States with Granny and Grandpa. Then all of a sudden I'm transported to this other place, where the sun is always shining, people look different, and a thousand languages fly across the room every minute. This was strange. And so I was shy, uncomfortable, sad...

Then after a while of awkwardness, you started talking. You introduced yourself, your family, your dreams, your everything, and we talked. Well ok, you're the first "new" person I'd ever talked to here. (Aren't you honoured?" :p) And so I told you about me too... And you were so fascinated. You asked me where America was and I remember I told you, "It's far far away...", cuz I had no idea where US was either... And then you said you would like to go there.  And I can't believe this, but you asked me if I could bring you there and I agreed.

Well that was so long ago. That was when we thought that holding hands with someone of the opposite gender was normal, and when we thought that school was all that we were gonna be doing for the rest of our lives. Those days, they're gone, but their memories are still with me.  I don't know if you remember these things, or if you even care to think about those days. But I do... :) Cuz when I look back, those days are the ones that make me smile, without fail. :)

And so somehow we became "best friends". And I remember how we always did our homework together, played catching during recess together, stayed in school to wait for our parents together... You know, now thinking about it, we were really innocent. Too innocent to be true. Until now I still can't believe that I was once that girl in the white and blue uniform the size of a dwarf, with two pigtails bouncing up and down.

Then the days turned into months and then years, but somehow, amidst all the streaming of classes, and the shifting of sitting arrangements, we were still together. Not only in the same class, but still sitting together. Weird right? I remember in Primary 4, after 3 rounds of streaming, we were the only ones, in the whole level, who have been in the same class since the very beginning. And even then, we were still sitting next to each other. Gosh it's kinda freaky don't you think? And so I thought 4 years was enough. Next year, after the last round of streaming, we won't be in the same class again. Or at least we won't be sitting next to each other again.

But that was only what I thought.

And so we were still in the same class, still sitting next to each other. And all the way until our 6 years in Primary school was over, we were still in that position... But it was different. I know that. And I know that you know it too.

Rain.

Pitter. Patter.

Drip. Drop.

Swish. Swosh.

I hate the rain. But I love it too.

Friday, 6 September 2013

Waiting. For decades.

Ooh... Another sweet story! <3


As I walked home one freezing day, I stumbled on a wallet someone had lost in the street. I picked it up and looked inside to find some identification so I could call the owner. But the wallet contained only three dollars and a crumpled letter that looked as if it had been in there for years.

The envelope was worn and the only thing that was legible on it was the return address. I started to open the letter, hoping to find some clue. Then I saw the dateline–1924. The letter had been written almost 60 years ago.

It was written in a beautiful feminine handwriting on powder blue stationery with a little flower in the left-hand corner. It was a “Dear John” letter that told the recipient, whose name appeared to be Michael, that the writer could not see him anymore because her mother forbade it. Even so, she wrote that she would always love him.

It was signed, Hannah.

It was a beautiful letter, but there was no way except for the name Michael, that the owner could be identified. Maybe if I called information, the operator could find a phone listing for the address on the envelope.

“Operator,” I began, “this is an unusual request. I’m trying to find the owner of a wallet that I found. Is there anyway you can tell me if there is a phone number for an address that was on an envelope in the wallet?”

She suggested I speak with her supervisor, who hesitated for a moment then said, “Well, there is a phone listing at that address, but I can’t give you the number.” She said, as a courtesy, she would call that number, explain my story and would ask them if they wanted her to connect me.

I waited a few minutes and then she was back on the line. “I have a party who will speak with you.”

I asked the woman on the other end of the line if she knew anyone by the name of Hannah. She gasped, “Oh! We bought this house from a family who had a daughter named Hannah. But that was 30 years ago!”

“Would you know where that family could be located now?” I asked.

“I remember that Hannah had to place her mother in a nursing home some years ago,” the woman said. “Maybe if you got in touch with them they might be able to track down the daughter.”

She gave me the name of the nursing home and I called the number. They told me the old lady had passed away some years ago but they did have a phone number for where they thought the daughter might be living.

I thanked them and phoned. The woman who answered explained that Hannah herself was now living in a nursing home.

This whole thing was stupid, I thought to myself. Why was I making such a big deal over finding the owner of a wallet that had only three dollars and a letter that was almost 60 years old?

Nevertheless, I called the nursing home in which Hannah was supposed to be living and the man who answered the phone told me, “Yes, Hannah is staying with us.”

Even though it was already 10 p.m., I asked if I could come by to see her. “Well,” he said hesitatingly, “if you want to take a chance, she might be in the day room watching television.”

I thanked him and drove over to the nursing home. The night nurse and a guard greeted me at the door. We went up to the third floor of the large building. In the day room, the nurse introduced me to Hannah.

She was a sweet, silver-haired oldtimer with a warm smile and a twinkle in her eye. I told her about finding the wallet and showed her the letter. The second she saw the powder blue envelope with that little flower on the left, she took a deep breath and said, “Young man, this letter was the last contact I ever had with Michael.”

She looked away for a moment deep in thought and then said softly, “I loved him very much. But I was only 16 at the time and my mother felt I was too young. Oh, he was so handsome. He looked like Sean Connery, the actor.”

“Yes,” she continued. “Michael Goldstein was a wonderful person. If you should find him, tell him I think of him often. And,” she hesitated for a moment, almost biting her lip, “tell him I still love him. You know,” she said smiling as tears began to well up in her eyes, “I never did marry. I guess no one ever matched up to Michael…”

I thanked Hannah and said goodbye. I took the elevator to the first floor and as I stood by the door, the guard there asked, “Was the old lady able to help you?”

I told him she had given me a lead. “At least I have a last name. But I think I’ll let it go for a while. I spent almost the whole day trying to find the owner of this wallet.”

I had taken out the wallet, which was a simple brown leather case with red lacing on the side. When the guard saw it, he said, “Hey, wait a minute! That’s Mr. Goldstein’s wallet. I’d know it anywhere with that bright red lacing. He’s always losing that wallet. I must have found it in the halls at least three times.”

“Who’s Mr. Goldstein?” I asked as my hand began to shake.

“He’s one of the old timers on the 8th floor. That’s Mike Goldstein’s wallet for sure. He must have lost it on one of his walks.” I thanked the guard and quickly ran back to the nurse’s office. I told her what the guard had said. We went back to the elevator and got on. I prayed that Mr. Goldstein would be up.

On the eighth floor, the floor nurse said, “I think he’s still in the day room. He likes to read at night. He’s a darling old man.”

We went to the only room that had any lights on and there was a man reading a book. The nurse went over to him and asked if he had lost his wallet. Mr. Goldstein looked up with surprise, put his hand in his back pocket and said, “Oh, it is missing!”

“This kind gentleman found a wallet and we wondered if it could be yours?”

I handed Mr. Goldstein the wallet and the second he saw it, he smiled with relief and said, “Yes, that’s it! It must have dropped out of my pocket this afternoon. I want to give you a reward.”

“No, thank you,” I said. “But I have to tell you something. I read the letter in the hope of finding out who owned the wallet.”

The smile on his face suddenly disappeared. “You read that letter?”

“Not only did I read it, I think I know where Hannah is.”

He suddenly grew pale. “Hannah? You know where she is? How is she? Is she still as pretty as she was? Please, please tell me,” he begged.

“She’s fine…just as pretty as when you knew her.” I said softly.

The old man smiled with anticipation and asked, “Could you tell me where she is? I want to call her tomorrow.” He grabbed my hand and said, “You know something, Mister? I was so in love with that girl that when that letter came, my life literally ended. I never married. I guess I’ve always loved her.”

“Mr. Goldstein,” I said, “Come with me.”

We took the elevator down to the third floor. The hallways were darkened and only one or two little night-lights lit our way to the day room where Hannah was sitting alone watching the television. The nurse walked over to her.

“Hannah,” she said softly, pointing to Michael, who was waiting with me in the doorway. “Do you know this man?”

She adjusted her glasses, looked for a moment, but didn’t say a word. Michael said softly, almost in a whisper, “Hannah, it’s Michael. Do you remember me?”

She gasped, “Michael! I don’t believe it! Michael! It’s you! My Michael!” He walked slowly towards her and they embraced. The nurse and I left with tears streaming down our faces.

“See,” I said. “See how the Good Lord works! If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

About three weeks later I got a call at my office from the nursing home. “Can you break away on Sunday to attend a wedding? Michael and Hannah are going to tie the knot!”

It was a beautiful wedding with all the people at the nursing home dressed up to join in the celebration. Hannah wore a light beige dress and looked beautiful. Michael wore a dark blue suit and stood tall. They made me their best man.

The hospital gave them their own room and if you ever wanted to see a 76-year-old bride and a 79-year-old groom acting like two teenagers, you had to see this couple.

A perfect ending for a love affair that had lasted nearly 60 years.