And so I made a mistake and did something not very ideal... Won't describe anything in detail here... But my point is, I'm really sorry... I mean I even though you "admitted" that you didn't do your duty and all, but I was really frustrated. Like many of us don't do our duties unless told, and some of us, even told, don't do it. I mean this is our class. And unless you're saying that you're ok with "living" in a garbage dump, why don't you clean up the class? And so I told you that I was disappointed. Though there was no dispute, no quarrel, no "stare-dagger(ing)", but I just felt so bad.
Like I know I should be more understanding and accommodating to others' circumstances, but I just feel that all this while I've been understanding so many other people's circumstances and their "reasons" for failing to do whatever they promised (or so I think). I'm just tired of all the "I'm sorry"s that keep coming and going, without any sincerity and significance, so much so that I don't want to hear them any more. I don't want people to tell me that they are sorry because they didn't do their duty, or they are sorry because they were not free, or sorry just because.
And so I was rather pissed off at you to be honest. But later on I felt that I owe you so much more than you owe me. All those redundant stuff that took up your time, your energy, your talents, you didn't have to do them, and maybe you only did them cuz I asked you. And so then I felt apologetic. I wanted to say sorry. But I hate "I'm sorry"s. I hate it when people tell me that. But now I want to tell you that. Honestly, it's hard to put a finger on why I'm sorry. I guess it's just because you don't deserve any forms of "it's your fault" given all of your unseen and unknown contributions to the class. And yup, I said it. I apologised. Don't know if you accepted the apology, but I didn't know what to do or say even if you didn't accept it.
And so life went on. Now thinking about it, I'm wondering, what are apologies then? I've heard so many of them that my impression of the phrase "I'm sorry", is just that it's what you say when you have nothing else to say, or when you don't really care to be sincere, or when you know you're at fault but don't bother to do anything to make it right.
Apologies. To me, right now, they equate to empty words. Words that don't mean a single thing, words that you hang on your lips so stuff it into someone's ear when you run out of things to say because you just don't care.
But I know apologies were not meant to be like that. I remember Grandpa used to tell me that apologies are like kisses. But it depends on whether the kiss comes from an angel or a devil. If it's an angel's kiss, it'll heal the wound, but if it's a devil's kiss, not only would it not heal, it would make it worse.
Maybe now apologies don't mean a single thing to me, even though I still use them everyday... Contradictory, but I don't know... I'm a complicated person. I think we all are... So back in those days, we guarded our supply of apologies, because they meant so much for us to give away, and meant so much for those on the receiving end. Now, we hang apologies on the brim of our lips, and they are used so often it's almost as if we're looking for opportunities to throw it out at people. But I know someday, I'll find that true meaning of apologies again. I'll find the origins of an apology, back in those times when apologies were the most precious things in the world, because they were meant to repair almost everything.
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